As the external exam season begins, it feels like an appropriate moment to reflect on how parents can best support our students at home. I recently attended a session for those of us that sit on the Girls’ School Association Education Committee, led by Katharine Radice, whose work focuses on the experience of exam stress for young people and the role that parents can play alongside schools. Her central message was both reassuring and challenging: schools are doing a great deal already, but what young people need from home is something different, and getting that balance right can make a profound difference.

Exam stress is rarely about exams alone. Many girls carry a quiet but persistent sense of vulnerability around whether they are doing well enough, and this is shaped by a complex mix of influences including social media, peer conversations, family expectations and a growing awareness of the link between exams and future opportunities. In high-achieving environments like BGS, doing well does not necessarily reduce stress. In fact, it can heighten it, with some girls experiencing disappointment, anger, regret or even shame over outcomes that objectively are very strong. One of the most important things we can help them to understand is that these feelings are normal and crucially that disappointment is survivable.

It is also important to recognise that stress itself is not a sign that something is wrong. More often, it comes from a positive place: it shows that a student cares about what she is doing. Difficulties arise when stress becomes linked in a student’s mind with failure. Well-meaning reassurances such as “don’t worry, it will be fine” can sometimes backfire, because they imply that if you are worrying, things may not be fine. Instead, acknowledging the feeling and helping your daughter to think through what she is afraid might happen can be far more powerful. When the feared outcome is explored calmly, it often becomes less overwhelming.

For parents, the challenge is to find a role that complements rather than duplicates the work of the school. It is very tempting to lean in, particularly if we have been educationally successful ourselves, and to offer direction about how to revise or what to do next. However, your daughters already receive a lot of this instruction from school, so what they often need at home is a different kind of conversation; one that focuses not on what went wrong but on what went well, and which helps to create a more positive and sustainable dynamic. Focusing on the best parts of a day or what felt successful in a piece of work/test may seem simple, but it helps to reinforce home as a place of encouragement and support. 

It is easy to assume that progress is straightforward or that something has gone wrong when it is not. In reality, the process of learning is often uneven and at times jagged. Helping your daughter understand that this is normal is an important part of reducing pressure at home. Your daughters need space to learn, to wobble and to recover, building confidence and resilience along the way. 

Katharine Radice suggests there are three simple but powerful approaches to supporting girls through exam stress:

1. Create a strong sense of safety by reinforcing who your daughter is beyond her grades and making it clear that she is valued regardless of outcomes.
2. Act as a sounding board rather than a director by taking her ideas seriously and showing interest in how she is approaching her work, rather than telling her what she should do.
3. Allow for there to be space for her to thrive by helping her understand that being upset or stressed about her exams is not due to her doing something wrong. Being stressed about something doesn’t mean it is going to lead to failure. 

Alongside this, it can be helpful to open up conversations about identity and perspective. Asking “what are you other than your exams?” or gently exploring what might happen if things did not go to plan can reduce the sense of everything resting on one set of results. When girls feel that there is room to go wrong, they are often more willing to take the risks that lead to real learning and growth.

If you would like to explore these ideas further, I would recommend Katharine Radice’s book, The Parent’s Guide to Exam Stress, which offers a thoughtful and practical guide to navigating this period. At this time of year, when emotions can run high, the reassurance that you can provide at home is not about removing challenges, but about helping your daughters to face it with confidence, perspective and the knowledge that they are supported whatever happens.

I think it is particularly fitting to end with a quote from the American author and educator Elaine M. Ward: “Children are not things to be molded, but are people to be unfolded.” At this stage in their education, we see this unfolding so clearly, and we are proud to support our students, alongside you as their parents, through this significant step in their journey towards young adulthood.